Helping Long-Time Caregivers Operating With Little or No Help
by Sheryl Karas M.A.
Steps:
#1 Identify the problem
#2 Identify sources of strength
#3 Identify sources of help among family and friends
#4 Identify appropriate community services
#5 Ask for help
#6 Ask for help
#7 Ask for help again
Identify the Problem
This is easier said than done. The symptom might be overwhelm but the cause may be multi-faceted. Get some time alone and write down everything that seems to contribute to your level of stress. It is sometimes helpful to do this with the assistance of a trained professional (a counselor, family consultant, or social worker). When you have your list concentrate on the most significant issues. What's the one thing that would make the most difference in the shortest amount of time? That's your starting place.
Be careful to separate problems from solutions. Sometimes family caregivers think "my problem is I need my family to come on the weekends and take their father out of the house so I can have time for myself and they won't!" That's not the problem - that's a description of a possible solution that doesn't work. The actual problem is that the caregiver needs a break. By defining the problem in terms of what the caregiver thinks the solution is the door is closed to real problem-solving by everyone involved. Maybe your family will never agree to a weekly weekend break because they work full-time and the weekend is the only time they have left for all the things they need and want to do. But if the problem is more loosely defined, solutions may be more forthcoming. ("We could take turns with other friends and relatives", "we could hire a home health worker", "we could give you a break during the week for a few hours at a time," "we can plan a family outing including grand-pa once a month if you will try Eldercare twice a month", "maybe our church group could help," etc.)
Once the problem is simply defined, a number of potential solutions can be developed. It's easier to get what you need when there are many avenues to support. It is also a lot easier to elicit support from family members when their own needs are being taken into consideration and their own ideas and solutions are included in the list of possibilities.
Identify Sources of Strength
It is important to identify sources of strength because it helps build confidence. It is hard on the psyche to play the victim and hard for family members and others to constantly be in the role of rescuer. On the other hand, "teammates" working together for a common cause can develop creative solutions in situations where victims see only dead-ends and despair. Gather your strength, gather your community and together you may fly!
So, what are your sources of strength? Start with your inner resources. Are you a loving person? Then all your actions come from love, not selfishness. When you ask for support you do it to enable yourself to support your ailing loved one longer. Consequently all those things that are so hard to request for yourself can be reframed in terms of loving someone you care for. Are you courageous, persistent, intelligent, capable, and resourceful? Are you able to remember instances when you displayed each of these qualities? Write down all those characteristics that make you a great caregiver, worthy of support and assistance. Review that list regularly and remind yourself that you are capable of getting what you need and that asking for help is not a sign of weakness. The ability to arrange services for yourself and others is part of what makes you a supportive, resourceful and capable caregiver.
Other sources of strength include relationships with family, friends, church members, the greater community and God. Remember you are not alone and, even if your friends and a family all live far away, you have a whole community of support right at your fingertips. People you meet at support groups, the local community center, not to mention senior support services are all potential sources of strength -- all you have to do is reach out.
Identify Appropriate Community Services
As a caregiving consultant I often feel like it goes without saying that one should utilize the public benefits we've all paid for through taxes our whole lives. We wouldn't hesitate in calling a fire truck if our house was on fire, yet I'm continually amazed at how often I meet people reluctant to take advantage of free or low-cost public assistance for the elderly, disabled or chronically ill. There isn't enough public assistance to meet all of a typical caregiver's needs but even a little bit helps a lot. It might take several phonecalls to track down what you need. If you don't know where to begin ask your doctor. If you are supporting an adult with dementia or a brain injury call the Del Mar Caregiver Resource Center. Ask family and friends to make calls for you. It's a very easy way for less involved caregivers to make a difference.
Asking for Help
The first line of attack in asking family and friends for help is to involve them in the decision-making process as much as possible. Develop a team mentality and enlist team members with the understanding that not everyone will be able or willing to participate or do equal amounts of work. Ask for a meeting (or conference call if some people live far away). Define the problem in a simple straight forward way and ask for help in developing a list of possible solutions and support on following through with the ideas generated. Be prepared to do basic educating ("this is what a typical day for me is like," "this is what your parent needs in terms of daily care"). When everyone involved understands the extent of the problem and works together to develop solutions all team members can live with, individuals are more likely to follow through without resentment. Enlisting support does not mean issuing orders and expecting the troops to fall in without complaint. It involves joint problem-solving -- accepting people where they are at in terms of job commitments, family responsibilities, past history and current capabilities (emotional, physical, and otherwise) and being willing to pull together as a family or community on a joint project.
When someone does not want to be involved, accept it and work with those who do.
Asking for Help Again
Be sure to keep people updated on how things are working out. Tell people about successes and how much you appreciate all the help you have received. If there's a hole in your current system of support let people know. If people don't hear from you for a long time they assume your problems have been solved. Be really specific: I need help on such and such a day at such and such a time. Sometimes people who wouldn't or couldn't volunteer for a regular shift can be enlisted to provide occasional respite relief.
Caregiving Articles
© Copyright 2007 Sheryl Karas & Paul Hood
A new version of this article can be found in Sheryl’s latest book The Spiritual Journey of Family Caregiving.
Caregiving Articles