A Special Love:
Verna Mae and Lisa Ledin
by Sheryl Karas M.A.
Verna Mae Ledin was a special person. She had her daughter Lisa late in life and showered her with love and affection. Lisa says they had "an uncommonly close relationship" so, when her mother's health fell apart ten years ago, Lisa left her highly successful public radio broadcasting career in Cincinnati to be at her mother's side. She came home to find a very sick, bedridden and depressed woman with her house in great disrepair. In response, Lisa swung into action to rescue Verna from this miserable condition. Little did she know that her mother was in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's Disease and that her caregiving journey would last for ten years.
Lisa describes her mother with great warmth and affection. Family photographs show Verna to be a vivacious beauty with a twinkle in her eye, always dramatic in appearance because of her inflection and expressive body movements. In her final years she liked to wear wonderful hats which showed off her deep blue eyes and thick white hair. Lisa says her mother loved "beauty, mischief and adventure."
Verna Mae was born in Ridgway, Pennsylvania in1912. She was an accomplished pianist but grew up in the shadow of her sister, a well-respected conductor. Verna never played in public until Alzheimer's Disease robbed her of her inhibitions but, from that point on, she played piano constantly and loved to dance. She was a great favorite wherever she went, always ready to grab an arm and twirl around the dance floor. People described her as the "eternal 16-year old", always sprightly and girlish. It was a paradox of Verna's dementia that she needed to lose her mental faculties in order to express her most authentic self. As Lisa describes it, her mother's essence remained intact to the very end and, in fact, became more pronounced. She couldn't recognize anyone except for Lisa at her death but never lost her appreciation of love and beauty.
It is obvious when listening to Lisa that caring for her mother was a labor of love, yet the caregiver's journey is never easy. "I did this because I loved my mother! I had to—I loved her and there was no faltering. But I don't know what I would say to a new caregiver just starting out. It depends on the relationship. It was a big sacrifice—my self took a beating!" Lisa went from being a woman with a highly successful career to spending all her time alone with a person who seemed to be in outer space much of the time. She resigned from most of her work in order to stay with her mother and make her final years as comfortable and happy as possible. Finally, on October 10, 2001, Verna Mae died.
"Del Mar made a huge difference!" Lisa says about her caregiving years. "Linda and Patty came to the house and seemed to be pretty enchanted. They saw how we interacted and set out to do everything they could to help me. Del Mar honored what I was doing. I needed that validation and they made the task ever so much sweeter by introducing me to a community of other caregivers. They directed me to Safe Care, an adult day care center run by the Salvation Army in Seaside where other dynamic, compassionate and patient caregivers gave me relief. Suddenly, Mom had friends more like herself that liked to hug and hold hands or dance. Most importantly, Del Mar emphasized taking care of me, not just Mom. Linda still goes out of her way to see how I am doing."
Lisa says she lost her mother in phases and grieved accordingly while she was alive so when death came, it was a calm release. "Mom had a rich life up until the very end. She was always processing and finding ways to laugh, love and enjoy. Caregiving made me vulnerable because the more intensely I cared for her, the more I had to forget myself. What I have lost can be regained. I feel like a chick cracking out of the egg. With her death, comes my rebirth with no regrets. What I have really learned is about my own depth and capacity to love. I've become more sensitive to my own mortality and to what matters in the end. Truly loving someone, being aware of beauty and keeping the senses alive helps you appreciate each breath. Some people get that from studying Zen or reading books, I learned it from taking care of my mother."
Caregiving Articles
© Copyright 2007 Sheryl Karas & Paul Hood
A new version of this article can be found in Sheryl’s latest book The Spiritual Journey of Family Caregiving.
Caregiving Articles