What’s Love Got To Do With The Price of Caregiving
by Sheryl Karas M.A.
Today I taught a very interesting version of my Caregiver Crash Course at Dominican Hospital. Interesting because I had two paid caregivers attend of Phillipino descent. I learned a lot from their loving, upbeat, even humor-laden approach to caring for their patients and felt humbled by our culture's shortcomings in this same area.
One woman in particular seemed to enjoy her work and took pride in her ability to reach even the most recalcitrant elder. She described how she helped her client take baths — with lots of love, gentleness and respect — how she got one client to smile and come out of her shell — by demonstrating her expertise with a hula hoop — and how she got one cranky uninterested patient to take a walk — by encouraging very short excursions of a few feet at a time. She seemed amused by her patients rather than frustrated or humiliated. The family caregivers in the room seemed amazed and a few looked chagrined at their inability to have such kind patient feelings for their own relatives. This led to a great discussion of the difference a paid caregiver can bring into the difficult family dynamic of caring for aging parent.
Parents feel humiliated by being diapered, bathed or fed by their children. This isn't the role they were meant to play. They are the parents and every act of kindness on behalf of their children is a double-edged sword. "It's my right as a parent to expect my children to do this for me AND I feel so humiliated. I can't imagine a stranger taking care of me the way my daughter can AND I resent her for making me feel this way (even though it's not her fault)."
A competent experienced and loving paid caregiver can circumvent all these feelings to a great extent. They don't have the past history of being mother and daughter or the history of resentments, disappointments and betrayals almost all families seem to gather. And yet our elders often fight the presence of such a person as if their lives depended on it. "How can I get my relative to accept help from a stranger?" is the cry I often hear.
The most important thing to keep in mind is that grief, loneliness and fear of the future are the biggest emotions we all face and our elderly relatives have a lot of grief, loneliness and fear to deal with. It is no picnic to see your friends and family members die away and watch your own independence and ability to be useful and needed in the world erode one illness or fall at a time. To think that time with your children (some of the few people you have left) could ever be replaced by a stranger paid to care for you is almost too much to bear.
And yet, what if your pleasurable moments with your children could be enhanced by letting a stranger into your life? What if you could have more pleasant memories, more joyful interactions and increase the circle of those you call "family" by such a choice? The paid caregiver at my workshop showed me and others in the room that this was possible. There are people who love caregiving with the elderly. They become part of the family. And the greatest pay-off is that instead of fighting with their parents about bathing, eating or other hands-on aspects of caregiving, sons and daughters are freed to spend their time renewing their relationships with their parents, healing old rifts, and finding ways to make their last weeks, months and years with each other meaningful.
Is it easy to find such gems? That depends — if you expect the person you hire to speak English with no detectable accent, to quietly accept your directives and never offer any of her own, or to accept less than $10/hour, probably not. On the other hand,if you widen your horizons, are persistant in your search, pay people well, and treat them respectfully like the paid professional you wish to have on your side, chances are very good that you will find the loving spirit your family member needs.
The most important ability is the ability to be loving. Everything else can be learned. Choose a caregiver on the basis of their loving heart and be loving in return. Help each other learn what else needs to be done. There are agencies that can help with that. The Alzheimer's Association, for example, has videos and a slide show presentation especially for paid and family caregivers which are very helpful.
If you try to pay for a servant who can handle what you can't handle without any help from your own knowledge and expertise you WILL be disappointed. Nobody knows your family member better than you do. On the other hand, do not be surprised if a seasoned professional or a person from another culture has insights you would never have considered. Allow them to share their expertise and share with them your own. If you approach the search for a paid caregiver from the perspective of finding a caregiving team member instead of looking for someone to take over completely, you will find success. Take a chance on improving your life and the life of your loved one. It's worth the effort!
Caregiving Articles
A new version of this article can be found in Sheryl’s latest book The Spiritual Journey of Family Caregiving.
Caregiving Articles
© Copyright 2007 Sheryl Karas & Paul Hood