When I’m an Old Woman
by Sheryl Karas M.A.
I recently watched a new video the Alzheimer's Association is planning to purchase on dealing with difficult behaviors in dementia patients. I found myself in tears not long after because I know in my heart of hearts that if I ever found myself in the situations these dementia patients were in I would act out as much as they did. I've had many thoughts since then about how I would want to be treated if I had dementia and I hope I'm in a situation where my wishes will be carried out.
As I write these words today I am a young woman in my forties. Sometimes I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I like lazing about, daydreaming, feeling the warmth of my blanket, feeling my body heavy and relaxed against the sheets. I like taking my time about greeting the day, and sometimes — if I had the choice — I'd stay there all day. Please, when I am an old lady, don't make me get up before I'm ready. If I'm content, why not let me be?
I am also a woman who needs a lot of quiet time alone to decompress. I'm not naturally extroverted. I enjoy people but I need to be quiet and alone to relax and rejuvenate myself. Please don't make me share a room with a combative or overly talkative person. Please don't make me share a room at all unless I have to. Respect my need for peace and quiet on a regular basis and find a way for me to have it.
When I was little I remember only taking baths once a week unless I was especially dirty. It wasn't until my teenage years that bathing (showering, actually) became more important. I also remember my first showers. I hated them! The water felt harsh against my skin, it was noisy and the action of the water felt overwhelming. It took a long time before I could be in a shower without screaming and an even longer time before I liked it. Even now, there are days when a quick once over with a washcloth by the sink is all I want to do.
When I'm an old lady please don't make me take a shower if I don't want to and, if I must be bathed, do your best to make it a pleasant experience. Please remember that I was taught to be ashamed to be naked in front of strangers — and you will be a stranger if I have dementia. Don't wash me quickly or roughly — I find that behavior difficult even now. Address me lovingly, engage me in conversation, ask me to help you, slow down if I get frightened or embarrassed, and be very gentle. Let me do as much as I can by myself. It's humiliating enough to need help — don't force me to be even less than I am capable of being.
I am a person who needs as much beauty as possible in my environment. I like green plants, flowers, art, pretty things to look at. I get depressed in sterile hospital room-like settings. As a childless woman facing divorce I know that I may need to be in an assisted living situation someday but, unless things change, regulations require that I be in a skilled nursing facility when I have too many physical limitations. I hope that by time I am at that age things have changed enough that I could choose an assisted living situation where I can age in place. If I am so sick that I "need" to be in skilled nursing, I would like a hospice-type option where I could choose a combination of palliative care and more aggressive treatments of my choice in an assisted living-style environment. And I don't want to have to have a prognosis of only 6 months to live in order to obtain that!
There's a lot of things I want to be in place when I'm an old woman. Most of all I want all of us to be treated with respect and dignity, and to have freedom of choice, even when our bodies fail or our abilities to make sense of our environments falter.
Caregiving Articles
A new version of this article can be found in Sheryl’s latest book The Spiritual Journey of Family Caregiving.
Caregiving Articles
© Copyright 2007 Sheryl Karas & Paul Hood