Who “Ought” to Help
by Sheryl Karas M.A.
The biggest problem family caregivers have in getting help is thinking that their loved one's problem is THEIR problem and their problem alone. They eliminate their greatest sources of support by defining the roles other people ought to play. ("My family is so busy. They shouldn't be burdened by my problems. I'll handle it on my own." "My friends have problems of their own. I can't ask them." "My children had a bad relationship with their dad. They wouldn't want to do anything for him.") This line of thinking prohibits family and friends from making their own decisions about how they want to behave.
If these kinds of feelings are getting in the way for you, consider asking a friend or family member to help out by calling all the other potential helpers for you. It is much easier to organize a work brigade on somebody else's behalf than to do it for yourself. And what a great service for someone to perform for you - even people who work all day and can't be there for hands-on caregiving can manage to make a few phonecalls.
The flip side of feeling like we shouldn't impose on other people is assuming that family and friends ought to be doing more and resenting them for not doing so. ("They only live five minutes away. You'd think they could come and visit more often." "They have plenty of money. Why don't they offer to help pay for this?" "Would it hurt them to ask what I need once in a while?") You can't control how other people behave but you can ask for help directly and you can go elsewhere when help is not forthcoming. It can be emotionally painful to accept the limits family and friends choose, especially when you need their help. A family meeting can sometimes clear the air. Are you waiting for somebody to do something you haven't asked them to do? Are you avoiding going elsewhere because it's too painful to accept that those you believe "should" be helping are not following through? When you refuse to find alternatives or to ask for help directly, you punish yourself and the loved one you are caring for and you stay stuck in a situation that doesn't work.
Sometimes people who are not emotionally involved or affected by long-standing family dynamics are better equipped to be of assistance. Be sure to think beyond the family unit. Do you or your loved one have close friends or colleagues? Even ones who have dropped away since the illness or injury may be interested in helping in different ways once they know there is something they can do which does not involve the emotional hardship of resuming activities the patient is incapable of participating in. Did or does your family go to church or participate in a social or civic organization? The community created in these settings is often worth their weight in gold.
Are there ways you could exchange support with other caregivers? Take turns hosting each other's patient at your houses and get a needed respite break in return. Or try hiring a home-care worker to take care of both patients so you both get a needed break. Use your creativity to think of other ways to exchange support.
In times of need people rarely feel that they have anything left over to give but often people in similar situations can pool their resources for mutual benefit. In fact, when the support you offer is returned threefold, once in terms of service and twice in terms of deepening your friendship, the process of exchanging help is ultimately strengthening and even rewarding. This approach can also work with family members. Is it possible you could solve your son and daughter-in-law's need for childcare once in a while in exchange for getting a needed break in return? Grandkids can be taught to read to an ailing family member or provide a needed diversion from the normal routine. It needn't be more stressful than watching a good movie on TV together before they go to bed or while the patient has a nap. Mutual exchanges are one of the most empowering ways to increase support in your life because two heroes or heroines assisting one another are no longer playing the role of victim in their lives.
Don't play the victim when it comes to getting help! Say "Yes!" to abundance. Say "Yes!" to getting what you need. Say "Yes" no matter where the help is coming from. And remember to say "Thank you so much! It made a world of difference."
Caregiving Articles
A new version of this article can be found in Sheryl’s latest book The Spiritual Journey of Family Caregiving.
Caregiving Articles
© Copyright 2007 Sheryl Karas & Paul Hood