Writing a Letter to Someone You Love
by Sheryl Karas M.A.
* Dear Peter: It has been many months since you recognized who I am but I'm still your wife and I love you very much. You don't seem to understand me when I speak to you anymore and, if you do understand, I don't want to upset you. So today I'm going to write to you here in this journal as if we were having a conversation so I can tell you all the things I have been longing to say. I miss you so much. I miss our conversations and walks in the park. I miss planning trips together and wish we could do all the things we so looked forward to doing in our retirement years. I miss how we would talk things over when there was a decision to be made. I even miss fighting about the kids!...
* Dear Sam: I'm so angry at you! How could you do this to me! I know it's a disease! I know it's "not your fault". I know I shouldn't say these things to you directly but this is a piece of paper and this is how I REALLY feel! I'm just SO disappointed!...
* Dear Mom: We never had a really good relationship and I don't know how to relate to you at all now that you're like this. I wish we could have had a chance to work out our differences. I really hate how much we hurt each other. If I thought it would make any difference at all I would tell you...
* Dear Mary: Did I ever tell you what I loved about you when we first met? Did I ever tell you my deepest wish? Is there anything left over that I never got a chance to say? Let me say it here...
There are times when we can't say what we feel, when the person we wish to communicate with shuts us out, won't listen, acts defensively, or simply doesn't understand what we're saying anymore. There are times when we fear that what we have to say would hurt someone or make them feel bad for no long-term benefit at all. There are times when someone we love changes overnight as a result of a stroke or accident and we didn't get a chance to say what needed to be said. And sometimes a loved one dies.
There are many reasons why we might want to write a letter to a person that will never be read instead of speaking directly and this is a great time of year to do that. It can be very healing to say what's in your heart, especially if not saying it keeps you from feeling loving, peaceful or kind.
The Process
1. Find a quiet place and time where you can sit quietly, relax and feel safe, knowing you won't be interrupted.
2. Start by sitting comfortably and just breathing. Imagine yourself breathing in love and peace on every inhale and letting out all your pain, worries and fears on the exhale. Just let yourself slow down and be still until you feel calm and ready to begin.
3. When you feel relaxed, ask yourself a question: what is my deepest wish for this communication? What is the outcome I hope to achieve? Write that down on your piece of paper or in your journal. Examples might be:
* I want to feel complete.
* I want to let go of my anger or guilt.
* I want to feel love.
* I just want to get this off my chest!
4. Next, imagine the person you want to talk to sitting in front of you, giving you their full attention. Begin a dialogue in your imagination. Say how you feel and tell them everything that's on your mind. Do not imagine them thinking, feeling or saying anything in response. They are just sitting there attentively, listening and wanting to know how you really feel. Don't censor yourself. Just let what comes up flow naturally, especially anything you've been holding back. This time is for you and you alone.
5. When you are done, come back to the present moment and write a letter to them expressing what you just imagined. Be as detailed as possible. Further insights may come up as you write your thoughts down. Put it all down on paper.
You may surprised to find a shift in your thinking as you go through this process. Thoughts might come into your mind unbidden or you may find yourself writing something you didn't expect to say. Let that be all right. Great change can happen just in the process of letting it all out.
This process is often cathartic. Let that be all right, too. Take the time to cry or scream into a pillow without being interrupted. And plan something soothing for yourself afterwards, like having a bath, going for a walk or drinking a favorite cup of tea.
It's up to you what you want to do with the letter afterwards. You might keep it stored away as a reminder of your journey. Others might want to share it with a friend or therapist. I don't recommend giving it to your loved one unless, on second look, after enough time has passed, it seems appropriate, loving and helpful to do so. Some people feel like the exercise isn't complete until they've burned the letter and buried the ashes in the garden. A ritual that lets you let go of the feelings you carry forever can help you move on with a renewed feeling of strength, peace and calm.
Caregiving Articles
A new version of this article can be found in Sheryl’s latest book The Spiritual Journey of Family Caregiving.
Caregiving Articles
© Copyright 2007 Sheryl Karas & Paul Hood